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my love-hate relationship with medication

Before, I was all so against the thought of taking medication. But when I started being prescribed medication for the first time as a teenager, I thought, “Okay, give this a shot. Maybe it would help you and you will feel so much better.”

That was a lie. At least for me. As far as I know, medication has aided many individuals who are suffering from many mental health disorders. It gives them a sense of relief and soothing feeling to manage their day-to-day activities. However, I guess my case was different. As I began to despise the medication I took. For a while, I thought it was just my well-being deteriorating even more, but when I started to begin analysing the changes in my lifestyle and how the outcome responded, I realised that the medication took a huge toll on me. The worse part was the aftereffects of such changes lasted up until today. It has since then, gotten a little better. Though, there are still like remnants of its essence still lingering around me and causing me to feel frustrated about everything around me.

As I began taking the medication, I had the constant thought running in my head that “It’s alright, just half a tablet. That’s not too scary, isn’t it?” 

I guess medication does have different side effects for every person. Why I didn’t particularly like it was because it took away every emotional feeling I could actually feel. The sad, the happy, the angry, the rage, the excitement, the depressed and every feeling that one can feel, it was all just gone. I didn’t feel anything, and it was complete numbness. Some might interpret that as a sense of relief and that was my initial thought too, especially since I have wished for it, for the pain to go away. Though, I didn’t expect to feel worse rather than better as I didn’t want it to proceed like this.

In addition to that, have the picture in mind that at that point in time I was just a teenage girl. I was still growing, had all sorts of things to overthink about when it came to family, school, friends, societal pressures and personal struggles so when I had that constant cycle of anxiety in my head while feeling depressed for no apparent reason, it was pretty crushing. As much as I wanted for all the pain to be taken away, I didn’t want not to feel anything. They say when growing up, young adulthood is the most exciting and crucial time for exploring and making important life decisions. During that time, it was to figure out my interests, what I would want to pursue as a career or having fun with friends, family and making memories that I wouldn’t be able to as an adult in the future being so preoccupied with work and managing bills. But how could I have done that when I didn’t feel anything at all? I couldn’t interpret and process what I liked and disliked, what I enjoyed or felt bored about and what I loved and hate.

As much as I despised all the cobbled-up feelings in my body and how it disrupted my everyday life, not feeling anything at all just created a dark void in me, which eventually lead me to my own version of darkness. My mood went from low to even lower ans from bad to worse. Later on, I became even more depressed and unhealthy. From skipping meals and skipping showers. Not attending online classes or submitting assignments. Getting sick easily and dosing myself with a variety of flu medication. Avoiding people in and out of my family and not responding to messages or calls. Everything was just nothing to me. Nothing else mattered to me and I had no sense of direction.

Fast forward to the present time as of now, it really is odd that I am craving for the one thing that I truly despised few years ago. In full honesty, I don’t have a strong and intense need for it, but nowadays as times are getting tougher entering pre-adulthood and many responsibilities are falling on me, it can be pretty hard to manage all that. The cherry on top is struggling with my health condition – mentally and physically – alongside with all these tasks that I am juggling around with can be very daunting. Due to that, I can tell my well-being is not at its best state and it is beginning to affect my day to day activities which is why I thought some medication would not hurt so much and might alleviate my stressors a little. Though, I still am afraid of them and hesitant to consume any form of it.

Currently, I am not under any form of medication and am trying out different remedies. I think as of now that is a safer option, unless situations get more out of hand. In my point of view, I think medication is indeed helpful, for certain individuals but might not be the best option for everyone. Maybe, it would’ve aided me at a different time and not at the time when I tried it before which I had mentioned above, so it can be due to timing or the situation that I was in as well. Due to the many ongoing factors, there could be many possibilities and many answers too.

If you are facing any troubles, I highly suggest that you seek professional assistance and advice such as a mental health professional in order to improve your way of living. If the question lies if medication is a solution for the challenges you are facing, it surely should he a discussion between you and your psychologist and counsellor. Thankfully, I am grateful to have a very supportive mental health professional with me who understands the struggles I have been facing and worries I have towards consuming medication – which rerouted my pathway to recovery to a new journey ahead.

Surely, it can be a little frustrating at times. Feeling like I am starting from the beginning again and again trying differnet treatment methods to handle what I am going through. Nonetheless, I realised that life and the journey to life isn’t always smooth or the way you want and need it to be. It will always be a rocky road, but think about it, what journey to a destination you rode on that has not been a tad bit uneasy? I am pretty sure we can name one thing that made you feel the ick, but it’s all about the perspectives, because that 1% ick, does not make up for the 99% beauty of your story, isn’t it?

Submitted by: Natalie C.


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